:(

Sometimes i just want to start over...
you know, i tried to end it.
to take 20 too many, and just never wake up?
NO ONE NOTICED.
no one said a thing.
this is me, and what i deal with.
and now?
i dont want to be pushed around anymore.
it hurts, and i HATE it.
the way she laughs at me when i fall,
or how they notice everything i do wrong.
IT HURTS, but does anyone see?
no.
 of course not
its not like im worth it.
trust me.
ive been told too many times,
not to be sure.
im not good enough,
and thats just life. 

why is it that i never saw him,
before when he was free.
but now he has a girl,
it HURTS.

to know i'm ALIVE

is is bad?
i can feel it,
as i am typing this.
it burns,
but i guess it should.
that what it does,
right?
i looks weird,
the raw skin.
red,
and bloody.
they say that the meds should help.
but really?
its like i'm just floating around.
not happy,
but not sad.
I bleed,
to know i'm ALIVE.
not for help,
or attention.
I bleed,
for ME

behind my smile, is a hurting heart.
behind my laugh, I'm falling apart.
look closley at me, and you will see.
the girl you see, isn't me.

i wish i could start over,
become someone new.
show people who i am now,
not who i was then.
they would only see me,
not my scars.

i'll never know

maybe it's because i'm not tall enough
maybe it's because i'm not pretty enough
maybe it's because i trust too easily
maybe it's because i talk too much
but i'll never know why
will i.

need

everytime i see something sharp,
i need to.
even at school,
when i see HIM.
its like i can't breathe,
and i need the release.
i need to numb the emotions,
with pain.

wonder

i wonder why it's the only thing that works.
i've tried drugs,
drinking,
sex,
everything
but only the sharp pain,
and red rain,
can make everything go away.

wish

I wish i was done with it.
that i could stop.
it just draws me in,
and wont let go.
i've tried everything to stop it,
but even the medication doesn't work.

water

i wish i was a mermaid.
and that i could breathe water.
when i'm swimming,
everything goes away.
the pain,
the sadness.
nothing is real.
exept for me and the water.
even while working out,
it feels nice.
like the water is there for me.
no mater how hard i fall,
it will catch me.
love me,
and never leave me.

today?

So, I've never really had a blog before, but I'm giving it a try. :) 

I had a really good day today, I didn't even cut!   I took the SAT, and went to a party, for my bestiee

Its her birthday, and We were just doing something nice for her :P

I really don't want tomorrow to come, because I have to go to church, practice, and I have school on Monday.  I really, really, really don't want to go to school on Monday.  HE just wont stop talking about me, and all of his friends treat me like a piece of trash.  I'm already hurting enough, because of stuff at home, and he has to bully me!! I know I put on a great show at school to make people think that i'm fine, but no one actually knows.  They don't know about DAD, or MOM, or even HB.  They did not go through what I went through, and yet they judge me.  Yes, I had sex when I was 13.  Does that really make me a whore?  I loved him so much, and even though he was fake, I wasn't.  I might have been young, but It was not my fault.  I was raised too fast, and had too much responsibility.  A 12 year old cannot take care of an entire family, and keep her sister sane.  so, for those reading this, welcome to my diary!  I hope im entertaining enough.